TIME TO MAKE UP MY MIND
My wife, Linda, was having an affair with a married man, Paul. At her request, we were separated in contemplation of divorce. Since she initiated the separation, I expected her to take the initiative to file the appropriate legal documents. Although we had been living separately for several weeks, she had yet to take any legal steps.
On the day we had agreed on terms of separation, a woman named Sharon wandered into my life and we embarked on a relationship journey. Sharon had psychiatric challenges. She sometimes had what seemed to me to be paranoid delusions. Once, she was briefly admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Afterward, she told me it was not the first time.
{The events leading to our current circumstances are described beginning here:}
The separation was not unfolding as I anticipated. I imagined that Linda and I would grow apart. I assumed that Paul, her cheating partner, would separate from his wife, Regina, and he and Linda would grow closer. Ultimately, I expected Linda and I to maintain a casual, friendly partnership around raising our now nine-year-old daughter, Mary Ann.
Instead, Linda was bringing Mary Ann to my apartment, cooking dinner, and sleeping over, several nights each week. Paul had not separated from Regina. She was still unaware that her husband was cheating on her with my wife. Linda was still my wife since she had taken no steps to obtain a legal separation.
As time passed, Linda slept at my apartment more and more. It was becoming difficult to conceive of us as “separated.” We were still married and spent nights together more often than not. Although Linda had her own apartment, it was usually uninhabited. We were physically separated, but she did not seem emotionally separated.
It was baffling. When this ordeal began, Linda became immediately emotionally separated. One day, Suddenly and without warning she became hostile and contemptuous towards me. She made it clear that she could not stand even having me around. She only desisted in this behavior when I discovered her affair and threatened to expose her cheating partner to his wife.
Now, there was no threat. We had agreed to separate and I had become involved with Sharon. Now that she was free to pursue her affair with Paul uninhibited by me in any way, she could not seem to separate emotionally. The whole thing was baffling.
I spoke with Sharon concerning this situation. “I have a feeling that Linda will eventually want to resume our status as a married couple and move back with me. I’ll probably give her another chance if she ends her affair with Paul. In that case, you and I would have to stop seeing each other and go our separate ways.”
“It would have to be,” was Sharon’s answer. She displayed no emotion.
Paul was an artist who made and attempted to sell metal jewelry. He had given Linda a pin that he made. She wore it, always. Since she was still wearing it, I took it as a sign that her affair with Paul was ongoing. I don’t know where she found the time for Paul since she was with me most of her non-working hours. Somehow, she must have managed to find time for Paul.
Picnic In The Park
On a summer afternoon, I had some time off from work. Linda was working and Mary Ann was staying at a friend’s house. Sharon and I decided to go to a local park and have a picnic.
The park was nearly empty. We easily found a private picnic table in an isolated, lightly treed area of the park. Our picnic was simple, just sandwiches and some potato salad.
After eating, Sharon decided to demonstrate some of the dance moves she displayed in her act as an exotic dancer. My first encounter with Sharon had occurred six months previously. I was sitting at a bar sipping a draft beer when she took a seat on the stool next to mine and started a conversation. She began by telling me that she had recently retired as an exotic dancer.
As our conversation proceeded I got the impression that she had burned out. She described some disturbing experiences. I wondered if her psychiatric condition was, if not caused by, at least exacerbated by those experiences. It was clear that she was relieved to have that part of her life behind her. She had developed a cynical view of men, yet she seemed comfortable sharing time with me. She appeared to enjoy our time together and I know I enjoyed the time I spent with her.
She was obviously an accomplished dancer and her moves were incredibly sensuous. I found it kind of flattering that she was willing to offer me a private demonstration of what she was no longer willing to do publicly.
That evening, Linda, Mary Ann and I had dinner together at Linda’s apartment. After we sent Mary Ann to bed for the night, Linda asked me, “Did you spend time with Sharon today?”
“Yes,” I replied, “We went to Benjamin Ward Park and had a picnic.”
I wondered what had sparked Linda’s unusual interest in my activities with Sharon. Up to now, she had never taken Sharon very seriously. She considered Sharon nothing more than a peculiar diversion with a loose screw. She sometimes referred to her as my “shipwreck.”
Linda’s next question startled me. “Does she love you?”
I was not sure how to answer that question.
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”
“What did you do besides eat?” I wondered where Linda was going with this line of questioning. I decided to answer honestly and frankly.
“After we ate, she started showing me the way she moved when she did her exotic dancing.”
Linda looked at me with raised eyebrows, smiled condescendingly, and emitted an exasperated sigh. “Estwald,” she said firmly, “If she was showing you her dance moves, she loves you.”
There were no more questions. I wondered, is Linda right? Was Sharon trying to tell me something? More importantly, do I love her?
Linda had signed a one-year lease for her apartment. By the eighth month, she and Mary Ann were, for all practical purposes, living full-time at my apartment. It had been weeks since the last time they slept at her place.
During the eleventh month of her lease, Linda and I were sitting in the living room. “My lease is up for renewal next month,” she said.
“I know,” I answered. I had an idea where this conversation was going.
“Would it be okay if I didn’t renew the lease and came back here? I told Paul to go back to his family and focus on them. I told him our affair is over.”
I noticed Linda was not wearing Paul’s pin.
“It’s okay with me, but what will I do about Sharon?”
“I won’t ask you to stop seeing Sharon.”
I am not polyamorous by nature. I knew I would never be comfortable dividing my affections between two women. I would have to choose one or the other. I once thought it would be an easy choice, but I was wrong.
I had grown fond of Sharon, quite fond.
On the one hand, Linda had never shown remorse for the months during which she had treated me with abject contempt before I learned of her affair. Nor had she expressed remorse for the affair itself. Her lack of remorse did not bode well for the future of our marriage. She had changed attitudes towards me like a chameleon changes colors — ruthlessly and without warning. She could change again, at any time.
On the other hand, Sharon’s mental condition and her apparent aversion to commitments would preclude our ever being married, or even sharing a home. Our future together would always be uncertain.
I had to make up my mind — and soon.
