In your own words you explain that your boyfriend was using a word that had a completely different meaning to him than it did to you. To him it was a descriptive colloquial expression with which to refer to women, carrying no insulting connotation. To you it is an insult that is characteristically applied to a woman who one wishes to offend.
What that means to me with regard to society at large is that in a large society different words mean different things to different people, to different populations within the larger society, and that can lead to misunderstandings.
If your boyfriend’s behavior troubles you it is easy to fix; you get a new boyfriend. I’m confident you will agree since you are wiser now than you were then. Part of that wisdom was gained through your experience with that boyfriend.
With regard to your classmate, I’m afraid I have no advice to offer. My own approach to that kind of situation would be to take advantage of the fact that the behavior is predictable and be prepared to turn it to my advantage. I might display curiosity and serious interest in his deep understanding of the event. I would ask questions. I would ask questions that would force him to think about the event in new ways. I would dive deeper and deeper into his thoughts until at last I reached a place where the questions have no answers that support his original claim. He will not change his mind at that time, but he will long remember the questions that he could not answer and the memory will influence his thoughts. Plant a seed of thought in the fertile soil of a curious mind, then walk away having faith that it will grow, even if you are not there to see it. You, however, will have to find a solution that works for you.
I would hope that you gained some wisdom as a result of your experience with your classmate.
Concerning the malaise present in general society, I have no cure. You could take the wisdom that you acquired from the two troubling experiences that you have described and use it to practice tikkun olam. Whether Feminist practices contribute anything towards repairing the world is debatable.
Feminism is indeed an ideology. Its underlying theoretical structure is fatally flawed and therefore the ideology itself is flawed. Your description of personal struggles cannot correct those flaws. Your personal struggles do not obligate me to conform my conduct or the content of my private conversations to Feminists’ expectations.
Judging from your description of your former boyfriend’s behavior, he was inconsiderate of and insensitive to your feelings. The relationship does not seem promising. Applying the term “sexist” to the behavior does not influence my judgement; it does not add a greater measure of severity to the offense.
Applying the term “sexist” may help you process your experience, but adds no meaningful information to your description of the behavior. It is of no consequence to me in evaluating the severity of the offense.
When the term “sexist” is applied to a statement it says to me, “This statement challenges a Feminist orthodoxy.” In a case where that was the intent of the statement’s author in the first place, the application of the term is redundant. The term “sexist”, however, conveys additional connotative meaning, to wit: “By challenging Feminist orthodoxy this writer has committed a transgression against decency, thus, the statement is deemed unworthy of consideration.” The writer’s statement is discredited without the inconvenient necessity of having to actually cite specific inaccuracies or offer other valid criticisms, of which there are none to begin with.
This tactic is surprisingly effective and I presume its use will continue as long as it achieves the success that it does. I will continue to expose it when I see it used.
You never denied that my statements expressed truth. You have expressed no specific, valid criticism of them. You have cited my impugned “defensiveness” as a pretext allowing you to avoid even specifying the instances where they are “sexist.”
The issue with your former boyfriend was your objection to his terminology. If some of my terminology is what you consider “sexist,” then I would be willing to consider using different terminology. I suspect, however, that the ideas themselves are what you are calling “sexist.” I imagine you would consider them “sexist” regardless of the terms through which they are expressed.
Can I be moved? If you would like me to move, then you will have to offer me a piece of real estate that I find preferable to the one I currently occupy. You will have to offer something more solid than telling me that my words are challenging Feminist orthodoxies, which I already know. Might I become “defensive”? Probably not, but there is a risk. Are you prepared to take that risk?
